Title : The food standardization
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The food standardization
is hard to imagine a donut simply be a donut. During the time I can remember, a donut, among many, many other foods, was this forbidden food, after eating, I would feel discouraged, out of control, and even depressed. How could a food me feel so defeated? How would allow food has so much power over me?
I've been in an endless battle with food for as long as I can remember, and that's scary to me. The food has never been just food. Over time, I've put a different emotional value at every meal and I have allowed food to bring me a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. I used food to deal with various feelings and have used the diet as a method for breaking my emotional dependence on food.
I've been dieting since I was a child. Dieting, in many ways, he made me happy. Dieting caused a new beginning, a new program, and a vision of a different future. Sure I want to lose weight, but it was more than that. I just wanted to feel "normal". I did not want to be obsessed with food longer. I did not want to use food to cope. I wanted the donut be just a donut. Like a carrot was just a carrot. I wanted to change my habits, lose weight, and crossing a finish line that would put me in a land of standardized food. A place where the food was only fuel and nothing more.
In April 2015 I tried the latest fad diet, IIFYM. I was excited to try something new. Something seemed to be working for many men and women. Surely body builders loved it, but so did the housewife down the street. I bought a scale, a gazillion protein powders, adjusted MFP, and I started to track and measure everything I ate. I was excited. He was obsessed.
A few weeks later, I realized what I was obsessed and I was scared. I began to question the diet and I started thinking about other options for me. I instantly remembered the comments I had read about me only a few years before, "Ashley should go ahead with one thing alone and without shortcuting or cheating! She wonders why she is overweight, and excuse itself but actually it is because they have the dedication or unit of any kind. "
I felt defeated me. What was he doing? What did he want? They were right? I was simply making excuses for me? I was just not dedicated to my diet and that was the problem?
In May had had enough and decided that I could not do it anymore. Normalize sure I want my relationship with food and wanted to lose some weight, but just could not diet anymore. He was tired of thinking about diets fix things that diets help me stop using food to cope with loneliness, boredom, joy, excitement, stress, whatever. Dieting was not the answer and just had to stop.
Life has since been interesting. I reached my weight before pregnancy through the first birthday Magnolia watch what I ate and exercise. He was grateful and my weight remained the same during the holidays. I wanted to lose more weight, but hit a stumbling block. Since January I've been more in line with how they use food to cope with emotions and has been overwhelming. It seems as if he could not make it through a day without some form of emotional eating and difficult. I realized that I will not be able to get to a healthy and happy weight until I deal with the reasons I used food to deal with my emotions.
Of course diet has popped into my head a few times. I miss the community, support, and focus, but it still seems very important not to diet. I do not want my daughter to grow up knowing a mother diets. I do not want her feeling like she has to question what you are eating, why you are eating, and if she should be eating. I want food to be simply food for my daughter and I want to be a living example for her.
Today, I'm not happy with my body. I'm taking more body weight than I'm comfortable. I do not even have an "ideal" body weight in my mind. I simply just want to normalize my relationship with food, and I firmly believe that as a result will reach a body weight that is comfortable and healthy. As someone who has always had a plan or been on a diet, it is very difficult to know how all this is going to work. The food has always been there for me, and as crazy as it feels to say, I know someone out there knows what I mean.
I want to get to a place where the food is not what I turn to when I'm bored, happy, excited, stressed, etc and simply can not even imagine what life will be like when you get there and stay there . The truth is that I've been there before and it's a magical, magical place! In 2006 I lost 50 pounds on Weight Watchers while working at Dartmouth and then to the left of the weight watchers back to DC in 2007. From 2007 to 2009 I did not follow a single diet. I ate when I was hungry, stopped when it was full, and ate what I wanted ... because the food was just food. I was in a great place in my life and I was really, really healthy.
Much happened to me in 2009. The things I've never shared here on coffee cake and Cardio And as much as I would like to share my story, I'm not ready. Some very bad things happened to me and I was a different person. I left that period of my life of an injured woman. I stopped trusting people and got lost. The years that followed were very, very hard and honestly, I'm still recovering from traumatic experiences that have happened.
Coffee Cake and Cardio started 2 years later does and if you go back through the files you can see how it used dieting to get to a place of normalcy. A lot of really amazing things have happened in my life since 2009 and I have much to be thankful! I met my husband, was a beautiful girl, moved more in a career that I love, and have begun to redefine myself.
still I miss the woman she was before 2009. I was happy. He was at peace. I loved the world around me and had fallen in love with the person I had become. My world collapsed very quickly that spring and I'm sad that my scars from 2009 become open wounds too often.
Bloggers often get mocked for sharing their "journey", but for me, this has really been a journey. I had to find a way to let go of that I used to be, to forgive those who have hurt me and to allow myself to be myself again. It has been difficult to break down the walls that I built, but the time and I'm grateful now be able to work with a therapist.
Part of me hated Kelsey Miller's book Big Girl because I could not do it on their own. The only way I could get away from the diet was working with a nutritional therapist (who worked for free because it was a blogger). I was scared because I'm tired of doing it for myself for years and Kelsey book made me afraid that I will not be able to do it, I'll need a therapist.
using diet as a temporary band aid for more than 20 years, but now I've decided to stop dieting no hiding place. The only person I have to face is myself and it's time to get to the bottom of why I used food as long as I can remember from my emotions covers. It's time to get right with the sad, happy, scared feeling, he stressed, happy, whatever, and does not use food to cover those emotions.
I'm in Texas this week (spring break - Yay) and has brought a lot of emotions. I love living in Washington, DC, but I miss my friends. I miss being able to spend time with friends you just get me and simpler life here in Texas. DC is a different beast, so although I try not compare to Texas to DC, but different places. What I do know is that I am not filling my cup as it should be. I am demanding too much and takes its toll on me and my family every day. It is time to focus on the joy that flows internally and let me just be myself. It's time to bring some lifestyle Texas love you so much back to Washington DC and to live a happier and healthier life.
I hope to be able to share information about my trip this year and next to find peace with food over time. I really like to lose a little weight, just so I do not feel insecure with what I'm wearing and how I feel in my clothes. I could care less about the number on the scale, but I do care how I feel.
The food standardization is difficult, but with the right support and willingness to own my habits, I know I can get to a place of peace. Coffee cake and cardiovascular exercise is a mirror of what I am and as you can see, it has changed a lot in recent years. I have changed a lot over the years. As we have seen in recent months, I'm writing more about my life as a working mom and balance for many women find work. I still want to write about living a happy and healthy life, but it will be a little different. You can not diet more and look forward to sharing the realities of creating healthier habits without a diet or plan. I am sure that many will come from the meeting with a nutritional therapist!
scary, but I think that true peace is by addressing the reasons why they use food to deal with my emotions, not by restricting food in temporary phases. I am eager to work through my past and finding the confidence lost in 2009. It's time to go through the pain and find peace and joy again.
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